trust that I am fine
trust you will be too
trust that i will
always love you
trust that i believed
in everything you mean
but i can't say that we'll pull through
not until you
see me for who i am now
not until you see me as i am now
mortal

-Kat

i don't care anymore. it's my journal i don't give a shit. i lobbed off my hair... i have short hair now. i dyed it dark brown. i came to the realization that the love of my life is bad for me and that's the break i got. i'm bad for him too. i need to bandage myself up again and move on. nobody needs me anymore, jon's coming home and i have nothing to say to him. it's been years and it doesn't seem like i've changed enough to make myself happy. this is not as bad as it could be. i'll survive, i always do i just never thought i had to do it twice. but i did this to myself. i don't care how 'fucked up' this is, i agree, it is fucked up, this whole situation is fucked up. no response please.

-Kat

p.s. if by some god forsaken reason you come across this and think that i'm just messed up and 'how could i say this'. look at your own page for once. any page, PICK a page... THAT'S fucked up.

today i actually ate breakfast, i got up early and had eggs and sausage... i don't even like sausage but it was okay because i ate it and it made me feel good to eat homemade breakfast. I am suprisingly tired today and i still don't know if i'm leaving town tomorrow or not. So that's interesting, if i don't i think sometime this week I might be going with 'Rasta' to a studio so he can show me the recording ropes. that should be ten kinds of awesome. my day was and will continue to be... i got a blue tooth headset but i can't seem to keep the damn thing in my ear, so that's fun. Wow like five people just called one right after the other, that's weird. i can only say "Hello you've reached social sciences and humanities this is Kat speaking" so many times before you start to sound weird. Oh i think i forgot to mention yesterday that Ana has me hand typing all the quotes that are in this philosophy book so that she can print each of them out on individual pieces of paper and post them around the philosophy department... as she says "it's probably a 5 week job, if you don't finish it.. that's 'fine' but do the best you can okay? heh... so i've been doing that while i'm not catering to everyone else's needs. oh and rents due today... yay! Anyways there is my day so far enjoy, snack on it. not that it truly matters... sorry i can't divulge my inner workings yet, just hang in there dead air, i'll be back.
-Kat

OMG i hate life. my speeding ticket was 280 and then i had to pay another 60 to go to driving school which is complete BS. then i had to back-pay my gas which was 130 something and i missed two days of work so that's another 100 dollars i'm missing. i'm going to go shoot myself in the leg... i'll be back
-Kat

written Feb 20th 2006

anticlimactic:

I am feeling the mundane aftermath of the end of the world. Once you've ended everything you're really just watching dust fall, and I have realized this. It's dreamy almost, maybe it's some form of shock, but if it is it has sustained itself for months now. It's strange how you become connected to the destruction. It's your minds default when you can't think of another subject, or when you do find a fresh subject for your mind to worry over it somehow worms it's way back to the crash. And then you're there again. bombs exploding, cars screeching, children screaming. But for now, I am sitting on a pile of wreckage looking at the gray snow fall and blanket everything, smoke staining it the same shade, and thinking... thinking how boring it is for the world to really be over.

May 16th 2006
Layers of Decadence:

All sinking in the same swift movements, in soft and tired moments, I drift back to dust particles and ruins, the crash. The gray snow, the lost souls that were me and mine. But doing so makes such little sense. And yet, on cracked pinnacles I sit and stare at ruin. Off into the distance with nothing in my wake, harder breathing thicker air with the smell of sulfur. Yellow or orange light could be seen glittering in shadows still.
Though time has moved it's arm or twinged an eyebrow at me, I stand still. In the shadow of a once great city of thoughts progression and bright moments it's splitting creaking and STILL falling. Resting a tired arm on the monolith of decadence was, and am I.
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I think I'll just start rehashing some of my old journals from years past... I miss them and I think I can learn from them.
-Kat